Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 16 June 2008

image for Big Phil Scolari Looks A Bit Like Gene Hackman With His Teeth Knocked Out
Marseille today

New Chelsea manager Luis Felipe Scolari raised eyebrows at Stamford Bridge today, when he attended his first Press conference dressed in a shabby suit and a porkpie hat, moving one journalist to address him as "Mr Doyle".

The Mr Doyle being referred to, was Popeye Doyle, the alter-ego of Hollywood actor Gene Hackman in the French Connection series of films in the 1970s. Doyle is an American detective on the trail of a drugs gang in Marseille, who tries to imposes his rather uncouth ways on his French hosts, with disastrous results.

The toothless Scolari, apart from looking like Doyle and Hackman, has found himself with several French connections, in Claude Makelele, Florent Malouda and Nicolas Anelka. Any of these could be the villain, but the most likely culprit-in-waiting is Ivory Coastian centre forward Didier Drugbaron, who speaks excellent French and eats snails.

Chelsea have a recent history with the drugs trade, Romanian Adrian Mutu having been discovered with cocaine inside him, and Scolari may have an uphill battle if he is to control things at the Bridge.

He already has a mountain to climb, being unable to speak English, although he has taken a crash course since he landed the Blues job. Asked by a reporter how his new language skills were coming along, he replied:

"This is Doyle. I'm sitting on Frog One."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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