Written by TigerTerry
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Topics: Hull City FC

Sunday, 8 June 2008

image for Hull City - Top SKY TV Pundits Predict a Season of Surprises for the Tigers in the Premier League
Cristiano Ronaldo's Mum says he would like to play for Hull City

The spotlight of national media attention has never been so intensely focused upon the city of Hull since the Tigers achieved Premier League status for the first time in their history at Wembley Stadium just a fortnight ago.

Now expert SKY TV football pundits Andy Gray, Jamie Redknapp, Graeme Souness and Glenn Hoddle have joined forces to take a glimpse into the future and predict just what the Hull City's inaugural season in the Premier League holds in store.

Their predictions for the 2008/09 season are set out right here.

August 2008

The Tigers kick off their first ever Premier League campaign with a resounding 2-0 victory against Manchester United at Old Trafford.

Dean Windass, sporting a new black and amber coloured crew cut, bags a brace after coming on as a 70th minute substitute for new signing, Fernando Torres.

Deano is carried round the stadium by the rest of the players in a jubilant lap of honour.

He later apologises to his team mates, promising next time to remember his wheelchair.

September 2008

City suffer their first defeat of the season when they lose 2-1 at Middlesbrough.

An emotional Nicky Barmby cannot bear the disappointment of losing to his old club and sobs uncontrollably in the Golden Rabbit motorway services on the journey home.

"Nicky is quite badly hurt" says manager Phil Brown. Barmby will be out for six months.

October 2008

The Tigers recover from their Riverside Stadium setback and rout Chelsea 4-1 at Stamford Bridge, shattering Chelsea's four year unbeaten home record.

New Chelsea manager and former Scunthorpe physio, Nigel Adkins, says , "I should have seen that coming. They did the double over my old club, Scunthorpe, last season. But I won't let them do it to me this time, too".

Adkins is sacked by Chelsea. Hull City move above Liverpool and into a Champions League spot.

Mark Lawrenson is forced to forsake his stylish 1970's footballer's hair-do and shave his own head in a public humiliation screened live on Match of the Day later the same evening.

Alan Shearer, confused by it all, starts calling him Gavin Peacock.

November 2008

Exhilarated by the Tigers' brand of fast, fluid, and beautiful football, Roman Abramovic offers to swap chairman Paul Duffen Chelsea for Hull City in a straight exchange deal.

Duffen consents, provided Abramovic also throws in two dozen Siberian oil fields and the Ukraine. Abramovic agrees.

Duffen, conservatively estimated to be seeing a return on his investment equivalent to the combined annual GDP of Italy and France, is wistful in his departure.

"I'm just sorry I never got to build that hotel. I fancy I could have made a few bob there", he muses.

December 2008

In a shock move, cash-strapped Stoke City bring Sir Stanley Matthews out of retirement and put him back on the right wing in an effort to haul the Potters off the foot of the Premier League table.

An 85-year old Sir Stanley skins Andy Dawson a dozen times in the first half hour at the Britannia Stadium. City lose 5-0.

Phil Brown finally concedes, "I think we might need to consider bringing in a new left-back".

January 2009

With Dean Windass approaching his 45th birthday, manager Phil Brown announces that the veteran striker is "simply too old for the Premier League".

Windass is released and signs for Unibond Premier Division side, Frickley Athletic, on a free transfer.

Brown signs Billy Whitehurst as Windass's replacement.

City draw Frickley Athletic at home in the 3rd round of the FA Cup.

The Tigers lose 3-0. Deano scores a hat-trick for the part-timers.

Phil Brown says "I knew he still had it in him". Brown is sacked.

February 2009

The Tigers call a national press conference in order to introduce Nicky Barmby as their new player-manager.

Barmby shins himself on a table leg as he sits down to face the world's reporters.

He announces that he will be out for the rest of the season and promptly admits himself to a long-term convalescent home in Scarborough.

Nigel Adkins, only recently dubbed "the new Jose Mourinho", but now working as a part-time masseur in a Scunthorpe beauty parlour, is appointed caretaker manager.

March 2009

With global sales of replica Tigers "No.22" shirts soaring, Dean Marney is invited to join footballing legends David Beckham, Zinedine Zidane and Roberto Carlos in the production of a new masterclass video production - "The Art of the World Class Free-Kick".

Sharp-eyed observers note that all four share the same haircut and speculate upon a connection.

Marney denies this. "You've simply got it or you haven't ", he says. Irate customers who have paid £14.99 for the video, jam the production company's switchboard after watching Marney's contribution in disbelief. A spokesman is quick to clarify that Marney was merely referring to his hair.

After a run of five successive defeats, including a 6-0 reverse to Wigan Athletic at the KC Stadium, caretaker manager Nigel Adkins declares "We Tigers have got to dig deep and dare to dream. We dare to dream, we Tigers".

Adkins is sacked.

April 2009

Hauled from his sun lounger at the southernmost tip of North Ferriby, Phil Brown makes a shock return to the club. Against all the odds, he guides the Tigers to an undefeated run as they clinch the Premier League title with a 4-0 defeat of Manchester United at the KC Stadium on the last day of the season.

Gents' outfitters in Hull report a sudden surge in sales of dark suits and non-matching pale tan shoes.

As the Tigers brace themselves for an inaugural assault upon the Champions League, Cristiano Ronaldo's Mum lets it slip that her son harbours a secret long term desire to play for Hull City.

May 2009

A triumphant Phil Brown is lured to the sub-tropical oasis of central Spain as the new manager of Real Madrid.

"It's my dream job", says Phil. A used sun-bed is seen advertised in the Fifty Pounds and Under column of the Hull Daily Mail Classifieds.

Madrid defender Fabio Cannavaro - 2006 FIFA World Player of the Year - and known for his extreme right wing political views, announces that he "ain't gonna play for no n*gg*r".

"Losing Fabio is disappointing and this clearly leaves us short of key defensive cover", says Brown. "A club like Real Madrid needs quality players in depth, so I will be bringing in a capable deputy of world class calibre as a matter of priority ".

He promptly signs Simon Walton on a two month loan deal from QPR.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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