New York, New York - Evidently, the loss of Hooters as a sponsor just before the race had a larger impact on the horse than anyone anticipated as Big Brown, winner of the Kentucky Derby and Preakness field, finished the Belmont Stakes in last place yesterday, losing the Triple Crown. "We didn't think he'd take the news so hard," said Paul Hammel, one of Big Brown's trainers. "But I guess he did."
Both veterinarians and racing officials cleared Big Brown for the Belmont Stakes race, despite the obvious emotionally unstable well being of the horse.
"Big Brown appeared to be in mint condition," said a Belmont racing official, who certified Big Brown's fitness to run. "You couldn't point a finger to a finer example of a horse if you shot him up with steroids yourself. In fact, we let him run with a fractured left front hoof just to make it fair for the other horses. You know, to give the ones not on steroids a shot…at winning I mean."
Racing officials took the unprecedented action of banning Big Brown's Hooters sponsorship just before the race due to a conflict of interest. However, critics contend that racing officials were acting out, offended when it was brought to their attention that a deliberate unsavory connection was being made between the sponsor's name and that of the horse.
"We got the joke way before the race," said racing officials, denying that, that was the reason they ban the sponsorship. "We ban Big Brown's Hooters sponsorship because it was discovered a number of the Big Brown Hooters booster's team members had breast implants...I mean the company that makes them is the conflict of interest. Not the implants themselves."
Although racing officials declined to state just how they made the discovery, except to say it was made during an undercover sting operation, nevertheless they assert that the breast implants were made by the same pharmaceutical company that manufactured the steroids Barry Bonds is alleged to have been using.
Racing officials insist that they are not the overseers of mere circus ponies, but the gatekeepers of a tradition of kings, and therefore charged for maintaining the wholesome family values professional horse racing has come to represent today under their stewardship.
"We just couldn't afford to tarnish the image of professional horse racing by associating it with America's favorite past time, Baseball," said the horse racing official. "Not with a horse like Big Brown that has a strong chance of being the first horse in years to win the Triple Crown. I mean not when the chance of him collapsing into a ball of meat from having to be forced to run with a fractured left front hoof on the race track with his jockey buried somewhere underneath is so slim…I mean we took him off steroids before the race so what were the odds?"
No comment could be reached from Big Brown's jockey as this spoof sportswriter had a publishing deadline to meet and could not stick around any longer waiting for either horse or jockey to cross the finishing line.
Perhaps Big Brown has more horse sense than any of the humans around him have, knowing first hoof now that he is off steroids that he should not put any more stress on that fracture then he has to just to finish the race. Let alone trying to win it.
Now if only we could put what that horse naturally has in a bottle and inject it into humans.