Manchester United and Portugal striker Cristiano Ronaldo today made an official complaint about the seemingly endless jibes about him diving in the sports section of TheSpoof.com.
Speaking from Old Trafford, at a practice session involving a bungee rope, a plank, a step-ladder and a deep paddling pool, he said: 'I never dive, why you keep laughing at me for it?' And pausing briefly to take a kick at Paul Scholes while no-one was looking, he added: 'I is sporting, I is a man, grown men don't dive.'
As three nearby judges held up cards all showing a 9, legendary moaning whinger, bad loser, and tea-cup thrower Sir Alex Ferguson said: 'The boy does good, he nivver dives, nivver. Do the back flip this time, Cristian!'
And fellow non-diver, Didier Drogba, of Chelsea, added: 'Look, just leave us alone, OK? Right, I'm off to the swimming baths - to swim only!'
But referees had an explanation for all the jokes about Ronaldo. Speaking from FA headquarters, in Salford, one said: 'Look, when there's 5 minutes to go and the game's at Old Trafford and it's nil-nil, we can't just give a penalty to United for no apparent reason - Ronaldo or occasionally someone else has to go down at the slightest touch from a defender, like he's been shot from the crowd by The Jackal, and then it's a lot easier for us.'
And diving coach Walter Smith said from Glasgow: 'It's more basic here, all Old Firm players have to be expert divers, to make sure people don't notice how many penalties we get given.'
Ronaldo then did a perfect triple back somersault into the pool, to the applause of his team-mates.