After his skillful penalty miss in the Champions' League final in Moscow, Chelsea captain John 'Ooh Betty' Terry is to appear in a series of silent films.
Director Buster Keaton has come out of retirement to guide Mr. Terry in his new career, and noting that John, with his idiotic grin and pasty-faced complexion, is his double, Mr. Keaton said that three short movies would be made, showing John's antics to an already laughing world.
In the first John will run towards a ball, then suddenly slip on an imaginary banana skin and fall over, just as his foot hits the ball. This will then zoom off and hit the goalpost, before rebounding and striking John in the red face.
The second will see John trying to take a penalty whilst walking on his hands, but somehow only managing to make the ball move an inch with his head. And the third will feature John in a clown's uniform tied to a railtrack, while a steam engine races towards the penalty spot, keeping viewers in suspense and wondering if he can untie himself in time to hit the post again, before the Man United goalkeeper throws a custard pie in his face.
Chelsea manager, Hal Roachram, said: 'This is comedy at its best, a retarded mackerel could do better than John at penalties, that's why I chose him to take one, to get his comedy career going.' And England manager, Fabio Caporegime, said: 'Si, bene. Olivio Hardio e Stanilo Laurelli, e Gianni Terrio, si, grazie.' But commentating legend John Motson had this to say: 'Well, my word, how remarkable. This surely can only mean one thing - that I'll get to the point in ten minutes' time.'
Gary Lineker made this reporter consider suicide, rather than listen to his voice for another .... zzzzz.