Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced yesterday that crotch-grabbing in the batter's box will be severely curtailed the rest of this baseball season.
Faced with mounting criticism from fans and Congress that the length of this year's games is becoming inordinately cumbersome, Mr. Selig stated that starting this Sunday, batters will be limited to only one crotch-grab in the batter's box. Any extra excursions down to the groin will penalized with a called strike per crotch-grab.
"We've are very sensitive to the demands that baseball places on fans' time and we are taking judicious steps to reduce delays," said Selig at the Cooperstown press conference. "We've studied the situation from every angle," he continued, "and have discovered that if we keep the amount of crotch-grabbing to one time per bat, we can decrease the average game by 23.5 minutes."
When asked if other more Draconian measures will be instituted should the crotch experiment not improve the situation as hoped, Mr. Selig stated that they are investigating the use of one-arm catchers in order to reduce the endless hand signals.