Written by Simon Cockle
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Friday, 16 May 2008

image for Rangers riot: was Burma involved?
Rangers defend a free-kick during Wednesday's game

The riots that occurred directly after the Glasgow Rangers/Zenit St Petersburg UEFA Cup Final on Wednesday night have been blamed on the actions on Burma's military junta. Already a world pariah for not allowing blue-eyed westerners to come into their country and fuck about with bits of food, Burma has been firmly cited by the City of Manchester police for starting the riots that nearly claimed the life of a police officer.

"One minute there were hundreds of thousands of beered-up, hedonistic, partisan football fans who can become psychotic after watching a goal scored against their team, just peacefully minding their own business. Next minute, they became a beered-up, hedonistic bunch of partisan football fans who became psychotic after watching two goals scored against their team," said DI Gene Fourth-Series. "We couldn't understand it".

There are fears that the Burmese junta may have used the cyclone to stir up trouble by blowing down a screen that was showing the Jean Luc-Goddard film 'Le Mepris'. Fans, quite rightly, became incensed and went on a rampage through city streets causing thousands of minutes of CCTV footage to be shown on the BBC news to people who, secretly, quite like that sort of thing.

The Burmese junta refused to comment on these allegations, preferring to concentrate selfishly on rebuilding their country and use their own aid to feed their people. "Typical," said Alison McCoist, co-manager of Rangers and usherette at the Top Rank Ballroom, Aberdeen (French/Greek, £30 an hour, in and out).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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