In an attempt to protect themselves from Real Madrid's aggressive moves to sign star striker Christiano Ronaldo for a reported £1Trillion, Manchester United are looking to kick-off a spending spree of their own.
Reds manager Sir Alex Ferguson commented, "I have the assurance of the board that the funds are available to launch a bid to buy every player playing in the top tier of football in the world and add them to our squad....this way, we will make sure that Manchester United win everything next year".
In addition, the club are also making double sure by offering all Premier League referees lucrative employment contracts at Old Trafford.
Chelsea supremo Avram Grump is reported to have snorted when hearing the news and grunting, "Ha! this is all mind games ahead of next Wednesdays game in Moscow....this is typical of Ferguson, he well knows that Roman has already offered £1,000,000,000,000 to Barcelona, Real Madrid and AC Milan to buy all their players for next season"
However, should such rumours prove true, the English Premier League big-four will be transformed into a big-two with all other teams having to cope with the resulting world-wide player shortage. Effectively restricted to buying players from only the lower tiers of football.
Said Ferguson, "Manchester United are the world's biggest club and it is only fair that we should have all the players and referees under our control. I don't know what the others are complaining about...we will be fully willing to loan out players deemed not good enough to be United players"
One possible problem might be that referees wearing Manchester United shirts will clash with the United players. However, Ferguson says that this has been allowed for, "It's easy, at home games, the referee can wear an away shirt, when we are away, vice-versa. It makes perfect sense, and we will be able to make even more money by selling the referee shirts in our shops, especially for those refs who award us the most penalty kicks!"