Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 15 May 2008

image for Rangers Fans Labelled "Drunks" By Respectable Manchester Folk
A lout

Fans of Glasgow Rangers who behaved despicably after last night's UEFA Cup Final defeat against Zenit St Petersburg, have been called "scoundrels", "hooligans" and "drunks" by residents of Manchester, where the match was staged.

More than half a million Scots travelled South for the game, some by Haggis, and congregated in and around the city centre, where they proceeded to drink Manchester dry. A few went to the game, whereas most settled down to watch it on a giant TV, which then broke down.

Trouble flared when Ted Scoggins, a landlord of one pub, The Welcoming Fist, informed fans that his pub had "nothing more to drink", and asked them to leave the premises. One upset fan called him "an English bastard", whereupon Scoggins called in riot police.

Eyewitnesses say what happened next was unprecedented in the history of the city of Manchester with more than 1000 police officers with riot shields and truncheons baton-charging beer-wielding Scottish thugs who retaliated by singing songs and toasting the health of the officers.

One person who saw the whole thing was Tim Sleaze, 21, an unemployed gent of Cheetham Hill, who said:

"The' just a load of f*ckin scoundrels, int the'? Av never sin nuthin like it, just unbelievabubble, mad, proper disgracefully, y' know what I f*ckin mean?"

Another Mancunian, Deidre Bothersome, 62, from Salford, told reporters:

"Appen the'r a load of f*ckin ooligans, them Jocks! Allus drinkin an' f*ckin swearin - just a load of drunken f*ckin louts if y'ask me!"

Police say that the clean-up operation to remove billions of discarded beer cans may take all morning.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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