On the afternoon before Rangers UEFA cup clash with Russian team Zenit St Petersburg, football authorities have announced that Rangers are to lose on penalties.
'As we all know, the game is decided in advance by the referees in much the same way as American Wrestling.' said a UEFA spokesman today. ' Last Saturday for example our referee and lifelong Rangers fan Mike McCurry gifted a win to 'the Gers' as it was his birthday. Tonight though it is the turn of Zenit St Petersburg to benefit. We have decided that to increase viewing figures in the larger advertising market of the former Soviet Union, it makes sound financial sense for Zenit to clinch it in a penalty shoot out. It's just how TV works.'
Rangers fan Archie MacPherson was quoted as saying 'Well, we have had the benefit of every Scottish referee being on our side all season, I guess we can't complain too much. But we will as we are well known for our moaning as well as our bigotry.'