In a scene that no Scottish football fan will be surprised by, Rangers today will become glorious losers in the UEFA Cup final.
Despite being one of the worst teams in human history, they will make things even worse for themselves by bottling it and freezing, and then getting easily hammered by some unknown vodka drinkers from Commieland. But in the last ten minutes, against all the odds, they'll pull back a goal, and then will become totally dominant, without actually managing to win the game or get another one.
And after that, they'll heroically leave the field, giving their fans patronising handclaps, showing the world the arrogance and passion that makes Scots such amazingly impressive losers.
Team pret-de-manager, Walter Schmidt, said this about the inevitable outcome: 'Look, we've always got the pitched battles in July to look forward to, across Glasgow, who cares about the UEFA Cup? Football's not a matter of life and death, it's a matter of turning the Tims over every week.'
But rival Celtic manager, G'Ordan O'Strachan, disagreed with Herr Smith's analysis: 'See that Wally, he's got aboot as much charm and charisma as Ian Paisley. Or as me.'
However, SFA Fuhrer, Billy Mason, had this to say: 'Who cares if Rangers lose, it's the taking part that matters, and taking those saps' money.'
Saint Bernadette was unavailable for comment, but Gerry Adams added: ' **** **** ****** **** Rangers.'