Speaking from his council house in Govan, after giving his neighbour's son a wee smack for being a Tim, legend-in-his-own-thrown-cup-of-tea-time, and bluenose alky nutcase, Sir Alex Ferguson, had this to say about American sportsmen: 'What a bunch of big girls' blouses, they all make David Beckham look like Master of the Universe!'
Sir Alex was referring to the habit of American sportsmen to play girls' games, like rounders, and protecting everything except their pinkey fingers with helmets and padding.
'How long would those saps last against the likes of Giggsy and Ronaldosy and Scholesy?', he asked, meaning his players Ryan 'Girl's Hair' Giggs, Christian 'Prettyboy' Ronaldo, and Paul 'I'm Not Eight' Scholes.'It's a totally different ball game here.'
And he continued: 'But the worst thing about American sports is how their millionaire owners buy up teams, and make dull and average ones become champions due tae money.'
Speaking from a castle in West London, a spokesman for Chelski owner, Roman Emperoravich, said: 'Fergie needs to keep his Smelly mouth shut, or he'll be as brown bread as this year's Celtic team, at least we have two average, bought teams, the Jocks only have one.'
This was apparently about the fact that Rangers have won the last seventy-seven Scottish league titles, and ninety Cups, and their only competition is from an unknown Native America lacrosse team in Canada, that nobody has ever heard of until now. And Rangers' captain, Barry Ferguson, said, speaking from Larkhall A&E: 'See thut Fergie, he's no' mah dad, hawnest! He isny! Can you loosen these cuffs, officer?'
But from his grave, Bill 'Fergie Can Lick My Boots' Shankley said: 'That fat bampot would win the league with a team of wee girls - oh, he just did, didn't he, just shows you how money talks.'
Manchester Yawnited shares rose half a pence today, at close of play, after extra-time and the usual Man U penalty award.