Written by SeanFallon
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Topics: Yankees

Monday, 12 May 2008

New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter had some difficulty Saturday night after the Yankees' 5-2 victory in Detroit.

As he and teammate Kyle Farnsworth were at a bar, an angry mob of five Tigers' fans started taunting him, yelling violent threats and expletives.

Farnsworth said that Jeter initially dismissed their comments with a smile, until someone threw a beer all over him, shattered the beer bottle over his head, and laughed about it!

Derek Jeter, realizing that he was outnumbered, started to run away from the mob, as Farnsworth called for reinforcements.

As Jeter was running, he heard the sound of a train coming. Nevertheless, he tried to dart across the railroad tracks, but saw that the twenty car freight train was practically on top of him. So, he got down on the ground between the tracks, hoping the train would go over him, without touching him.

The assailants waited to jump him after the train passed. As they were waiting, however, Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina, Chien-Ming Wang, Mariano Rivera, and LaTroy Hawkins all came from behind and simultaneously knocked out all five assailants by throwing fastballs at their heads.

The train passed safely over Jeter. He then got up, and continued to run, not realizing what happened to the assailants. As he was running, he accidentally ran into a real live tiger that escaped from the petting zoo.

The tiger growled ferociously, but Jeter jumped on its back, holding on tightly, riding the tiger around town, until the tiger got tired. Then, Jeter carefully got off of the tiger. He started to walk away quietly, and got up to a barbed wire fence.

As he tried to hop it, he cut his arm on the barbed wire and started to bleed. He yelled in pain, waking up the tiger. The tiger then did an all-out charge towards him. Jeter quickly got the rest of the way over the fence, cutting his other arm on the barbed wire.

The fence stopped the tiger from getting to him.

Jeter ran into a local restaurant, and washed his arms in the bathroom. While he was there, however, some lunatic brought a stick of dynamite with him into the bathroom. Jeter quickly grabbed the dynamite from him, and threw it over a stall into a toilet.

While the toilet water diffused most of it, it made a minor explosion that caused the door to go flying off of the stall, and into Jeter. The lunatic escaped, while Jeter got up, recovering quickly from the impact of the door.

He thought he was safe until a bunch of young groupies who were drunk spotted him on his way out of the bathroom. They recognized him and all rushed towards him. He tried to avoid them, but they started chasing him, too. He ran out of the restaurant, and down the street, the girls still chasing him. As he was running, he passed by Johnny Damon, Bobby Abreu, Robinson Cano, and Hideki Matsui who were all in the middle of a serious game of shuffleboard. He yelled, "Help!" to them. Johnny Damon called for reinforcements.

Jeter continued running through the streets, the girls still chasing him. Suddenly, he walked over a sewer, and fell right into it. He fell down feet first into some toxic raw sewage that began to eat away at his shoes.

Suddenly, Jason Giambi arrived with a life saver. He threw it down to Jeter. Jeter grabbed it as Giambi and Jose Molina pulled him up, just before Jeter's shoes had been fully eaten through.

The groupies spotted Jeter again, and continued to chase him. He went up a dark alley, only to see that he arrived at a dead end. Right when it appeared that he was going to be a victim of further unwelcome romantic advances, more help arrived. Melky Cabrera drove an ice cream truck in between Jeter and the girls.

When the girls tried to run around it, Joba Chamberlain jumped out of the passenger's seat. The groupies looked at Melky and Joba, as their hearts started racing. Joba took out some Klondike bars, and told the girls that he'd give them each a Klondike bar, while he and Melky autograph the wrappers for them, if they left Jeter alone.

Joba reports, "I told Derek that the Melk Man and I would take this peril away from him. We figured that if there is one thing that young girls find more irresistable than Derek Jeter, it's a Klondike bar. While the girls were eating their Klondike bars, Derek then got into the ice cream truck and drove to safety."

That is what Joba thought. Little did he realize what was about to happen. About a mile up the road, Jeter drove the ice cream truck over a pothole, which popped a tire, causing the truck to spin out of control, ejecting Jeter through the glass windshield and onto the road below.

A random Nutty Buddy ended up next to him. In pain, Jeter reached for it, but a squirrel scurried by and stole it before Jeter could get to it, so he had to settle for a Bomb Pop instead. Amazingly, he got up without a scratch.

Jeter decided he would take a taxi back to his hotel, to be safe. The taxi driver recognized him, however, locked the taxi doors, pulled out a gun, and threatened him for all of his money. Jeter, however, quickly smacked the gun away, punched the driver in the face, rolled down the window, and jumped out of the moving vehicle.

He landed on his feet, but right in front of an oncoming bus that was able to jam on the brakes and slow down, but not to a complete stop before hitting Jeter. Since the bus was only moving at about 5 miles per hour at the time it hit him, it merely knocked the wind out of him. He got right up, and continued on his merry way.

Suddenly, it started to rain. It was pouring with thunder and lightning. As Jeter was now walking back to his hotel, suddenly lightning stuck a tree that was next to him. The tree fell on top of him, knocking him over. He managed to push the tree off of himself and get back up without suffering any injury. Then, another lightning bolt struck him. This was a shocking experience, which paralyzed him for about five seconds, and ruined his new sports jacket. He then continued walking, however, barely fazed.

Finally, he arrived in his hotel room, feeling grateful that he avoided any serious injuries. Suddenly, however, the hotel caught on fire. The alarm went off. Jeter opened his third story door to try to run down the stairs and out. When he got to the stairwell, however, flames and smoke came up. He ran down to the other side of the hallway to try to get to the other stairwell, but again he saw even more intense flames and smoke coming up. The elevator was out of use. So, with all paths to the second story blocked, he had to jump for it. He went back into his hotel room, and opened the window. He then skillfully hung out the window, holding on, extending himself as far down as possible, and let go. He fell on his back, slightly bruised, but nothing serious.

At this point, Jeter decided that he'd go to the local diner for a cup of coffee. As he was about to enter, though, he found himself in the crossfire of a gang shootout. He ducked to avoid any shots, as he saw a window of the diner get shattered by a bullet. One shot actually hit the tip of his hair, knocking a few off, but causing no significant difference in his appearance. As he was down on the ground, a poisonous snake started to slither up to him. Jeter, however, grabbed it by the tail and started swinging it around like a lasso, until a bullet hit the snake and killed it.

When the gunplay stopped, Jeter proceeded to enter the diner. He sat at a table on the opposite side of where the window was shot out. Another customer got mad, and threw a sharp steak knife across the diner. It hit Jeter in the face, but with the handle end, therefore not hurting him too badly. The customer apologized and walked off.

The waitress brought Jeter his coffee. She tripped, however, as the scalding hot coffee fell all over Jeter. He got up and jumped around for a few seconds, in pain, but then was able to sit back down, not suffering any serious burns.

The waitress returned with another cup. Jeter took a sip, and then spit it out very quickly. It didn't taste right. He told the waitress that the taste was off. She then apologized, realizing that rather than coffee, she had given him the cup of water that the artist who was painting the mural above the diner bar was using to clean his paint brush. The paints were highly toxic, but Jeter seemed to suffer no ill effects.

Suddenly, part of the ceiling fell in, hitting Jeter on the head, knocking him unconscious for about three seconds. He was a bit disoriented when he came to, but then saw that part of the ceiling had fallen, which made perfect logical sense.

He went to take a new seat over at the diner's bar, but as he was walking, he accidentally slipped on a banana peel that another customer had left on the floor. He fell hard, breaking both arms and both legs in the process. He was rushed to the emergency room.

While the doctors projected that he will be totally healed in about six weeks, he won't be able to play baseball or go trout fishing during that time frame.

With Yankee superstars Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada, Brian Bruney and Phil Hughes all on the disabled list, the last thing the Yankees needed was an injury to yet another superstar player. Derek Jeter will be placed on the 60 day disabled list, retroactive to May 10. The Yankees will be recalling pitcher Ian Kennedy back up from Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, to take Jeter's place on the roster. This will give the Yankees an unprecedented 14 pitchers and 11 batters. Manager Joe Girardi says that Wilson Betemit will take over at full-time shortstop, while Morgan Ensberg and Shelly Duncan will platoon at third base.

When Jeter was questioned as to whether he was looking to press charges on the mob in the bar, the tiger, the lunatic, the groupies, the squirrel who stole his Nutty Buddy, the cab driver, the bus driver, the arsonist in the hotel, the gang, the snake, the man with the knife, the waitress, the diner's architect, the Chiquita Banana mascot, or the entire City of Detroit, he responded, "The only person I'm mad at is the person who left that banana peel on the floor in the diner. When I find out who it was, I will press criminal charges against him for reckless endangerment and attempted murder."

If anyone has any further information that can help police locate the perpetrator(s) of this disgusting crime against humanity, please direct your calls to the Yankees bullpen where either Jose Veras, Edwar Ramirez, Chris Britton, Kei Igawa, Darrell Rasner, Ross Ohlendorf, or catcher Chad Moeller will be more than happy to take your call. Realize that your call may be monitored to insure quality. The Yankees are offering rewards up to $5,000.00 and a Klondike bar for any information that may lead to an arrest.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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