Bragging that he throws better when he's severely intoxicated, David Wells tossed a no-hitter against the Montreal Expos immediately after drinking 24 beers in one hour on Tuesday. "I thmelled like a frat house at 2 a.m. Would you be cumferble in the batter's box against me?"
Though he allowed no hits, Wells walked nine and hit five Expo batters. Tha Padres lost, 4-2. It was the first time the Expos scored more than three runs in a game in over a month.
In the locker room after the game, Wells, after eating a few Quaaludes and downing a fifth of Jack Daniels, stammered: "My hero ith Doc Ellith. Member hith no-hitter against Thhan Diego? He wuth on L-ETH-D, man."