Written by Jeff Tamarkin

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Topics: Beer, drinking

Monday, 10 May 2004

Bragging that he throws better when he's severely intoxicated, David Wells tossed a no-hitter against the Montreal Expos immediately after drinking 24 beers in one hour on Tuesday. "I thmelled like a frat house at 2 a.m. Would you be cumferble in the batter's box against me?"

Though he allowed no hits, Wells walked nine and hit five Expo batters. Tha Padres lost, 4-2. It was the first time the Expos scored more than three runs in a game in over a month.

In the locker room after the game, Wells, after eating a few Quaaludes and downing a fifth of Jack Daniels, stammered: "My hero ith Doc Ellith. Member hith no-hitter against Thhan Diego? He wuth on L-ETH-D, man."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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