Written by tonybee
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Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Stoke boss Tony Pulis, who successfully took Stoke City into the Premier League last Sunday, is reported to have made his first signing for next season.

In an audacious swoop on the Wimpey Building company, Pulis has offered 2 year contracts to a team of expert speed bricklayers in an attempt to ensure that Stoke will be able to brick their goal up at great speed when teams launch attacks next season.

Said Pulis, "the chairman [Peter Coates] as made it clear that we would need to shore up our defence against premier league strikers and this is just the thing we need"

The FA have not commented on the news and it is unclear whether Stoke's unique approach contravenes the rules.

However, should Stoke's tactics prove successful, other teams may follow suit. A spokesperson close to Rafa Benitez has said that Liverpool were monitoring the situation and have not ruled it out when playing in their annual Champions League semi-final clash with Chelsea.

Footballing pundit Andy Gray has commented on Stoke's announcement, saying that "I'm not surprised by this move. Teams coming up from the Championship have a difficult time in the Premier League, Stoke might just have found a way of surviving. Even so, I can't see the likes of Ronaldo and Lanmpard being stopped by a bricked-up goal. Even so, had Derby had the originality to pull off such a stunt, it might have saved them".

Other tactics being considered by Stoke include putting mantraps and sharp glass in the middle sections of their pitch at the Britannia stadium. Said Pulis, "the addition of midfield counter-measures will impact on those sides who will try to pass the ball but will not affect our direct long-ball game."

Pulis also issued a warning to footballing sides coming to the Brit next year, "we're not going to stop there. We're altready considering digging out the center circle and installing an alligator swamp to catch out teams who insist on using the middle of the ground. No stone is being left unturned to ensure Stoke survive next season."

UPDATE: Stoke to consider pitch alterations! You read it here first.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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