Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 26 April 2008

image for Manchester United and Chelsea Managers In Possible 'Fight To The Death'
Ferguson and Grant clash swords (artist impression)

Manchester United and their closest rivals Chelsea are now level on points at the top of the Premier League, and could well share the title, if reports are true, which they are not.

The two teams battled it out at Stamford Bridge today, with the Blues emerging 2-1 winners, bringing them to 81 points, the same as United. The title, therefore, is reaching an exciting conclusion, just like the Match Of The Day pundits said it would.

The Reds have a better goal difference - +53 - whereas that of Chelsea is only +37. If United win both of their next two games - against West Ham and Wigan - 1-0, that would give them a final goal difference of +55. Chelsea, meanwhile, play Newcastle and Bolton, and if they beat each of those teams 9-0, the title race would be a draw.

Managers Sir Alex Ferguson and Avram Grant would then have a fight to the death in the centre circle at the New Wembley Stadium, in the style of Ancient Rome.

The victor would then receive the trophy from ex-Page 3 girl Linda Lusardi, now 58.

Speaking after the game, BBC commentator John 'Motty' Motson, said:

"In all my years at football, I've never seen anything quite like it! It's a Battle Royale! A Clash Of The Titans! Jumpers for goalposts!etc etc etc."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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