DALLAS, TX - Although the start of the NFL season is still more than four months away, the Dallas Cowboys are doubtful that their outspoken star receiver Terrell Owens will be fit to play in the 2008 season.
Owens was placed on the Cowboys' mentally disabled list for the entirety of 2008 after a routine examination by renowned Dallas area sports-psychologist Dr. Marvin Monroe.
"It is my professional opinion that playing football should not be among Mr. Owens priorities at present," said Monroe. "He is suffering from at least three separate serious psychological disorders, all of which require immediate attention."
"One needs only spend a few moments in the presence of Mr. Owens before becoming nearly overwhelmed by his grandiose sense of self-importance, his requirement for excessive admiration, and his complete lack of empathy - all indications of a textbook case of Narcissistic personality disorder."
"Mr. Owens also displays the hording behaviors typically associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder. The basement of his Dallas home is literally overflowing with game-worn jerseys, old game tapes, trophies, and most disturbing, a number of NFL footballs with mysterious numbers and dates scrawled on them in permanent marker."
"Most unsettling of all, though, are the indications that Mr. Owens may be bordering on a complete psychological breakdown. From running around the field flapping his arms in a vain attempt to fly, to presenting a football to the opposing team is if it were a meal and he a waiter, to attempting to videotape a game versus the Miami Dolphins by using a football as a video camera, he continues to exhibit the hallucinations and delusions symptomatic of full-blown Psychosis."
"I have therefore placed Mr. Owens on the mentally disabled list until he can be properly treated," concluded Monroe. "After all, we don't want another Pacman Jones on our conscience."