George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States and former part-owner of a major league baseball team, threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals baseball stadium yesterday in the US capitol. Much, or perhaps most, of the opening day crowd booed and hissed during the proceedings--as noted by many of the sportswriters and broadcast commentators.
Bush's arm appears to be in good shape as he threw from the pitching rubber and lobbed an accurate toss to the catcher, who promptly gave the ball back to the president. Some political commentators took note that this is the first successfully completed action by Mr. Bush during his entire almost-eight-year presidency.
In a snide column, Ziff Nada, noted guru of punditry, commented that "the ball will probably end up in the Crawford, Texas, village idiot's multi-million dollar library as evidence that George xliii is an athlete of some skill. However, falling off bicycles and walking into locked doors are actually better indicators of his physical prowess." Nada also referenced that a gossipy White House cop claims Bush has been practicing in the hallway to the Oval Office every morning since his re-election in 2004 and after almost four years' hard work, really hard work, Bush knew he was ready for a major league first pitch in front of a really tough capitol crowd.
Many observors from the Democratic Party thought less of the event than Ziff Nada. Her Royal Clintoness observed that the ball was a specially designed "whiffle-poof" floater that NASA provided to the president. She said, "That ball has a gyroscopic stabilizer in it, and a homing device that took it on a controlled arc straight to the catcher's mitt." A Senate over-sight committee will look into the doctored baseball incident as soon as the other committee finishes up their business on the use of performance enhancing drugs by folks such as Mr. Bush's good friend, what's his name, who confessed shortly after the President's denial on his behalf.
The Scion of Kansas, Mr. Oz Obamarama, heir apparent to the mantle of the presidency, went bowling as a send-up to the Bush demonstration of sport skills and athletic vigor. With absolutely no evidence of any bowling ability at all, this pretender to the throne put the 16-pound projectile into the gutter with an amazing degree of incompetence. It did produce one great line by a smart-alec Secret Service agent who was protecting the Oz-man: "His bowling skills are vastly superior to Bush's economic plan and on a par with the president's conduct of the war in Iraq."
Meanwhile, in another reality, a former vice-president who lost the 2000 election to Bush, polished up his Oscar and burnished his Nobel Prize before launching his campaign to save all human beings from global warming, catastrophic weather, and melting polar ice. Again, Ziff Nada comments: "This guy Gore is a bore. What a stiff. We need him to lighten up and go hunting and shoot somebody, or spend $4,000 on a hooker, or some other truly meaningful activity. What a rube, what a boob. No story here."