The world of professional table tennis is in morning today after the announcement by Chinese state television of the un-expected death of Pong Ping Poo, the greatest exponent of the game in it's long and distinguished history.
Ping Poo died from complications relating to sticking ping-pong balls up his ass. The nonagenarian was due to compete in the seniors tour tomorrow in the Shanghai Cup. The game will still go ahead in his honor with Pong Poo being replaced by his 75-year-old son playing while wearing his fathers death mask.
Pong Poo revolutionized table tennis with a number of innovations with cemented the sports popularity: it was he who decided to use wooden bats to hit the ball. Before that, players used their elbows - hence the term 'tennis elbow'.
It was also Pong Poo who introduced the idea of contorting the face during rallies. Before this, players had happy, smiley faces and even were known to have deep conversations during matches about topiary and flower arranging.
Ping Pong Poo had 52 children with 19 different wives and prostitutes - all healthy boys.
He will be sadly missed by fans worldwide, especially for his jovial manners and wise sayings such as "don't eat meat that is green" and the unforgettable "never slap a flatulent midget".
Despite his speaking of the Chinese language and playing for the Chinese National Team, Ping Pong Poo was actually from Scotland and lived his entire life in his home town of Edinburgh. He put his longevity down to living entirely on a diet of deep-fryed Mars bars.