Written by Tess Tickles
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Topics: Baseball

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

image for The Detroit Tigers Sign Gary Coleman
Gary brought his wife to Spring training, for some reason.

The Detroit Tigers have confirmed that Gary Coleman will be their backup catcher for the oncoming season, as part of the Dontrelle Willis package.

The Diff'rent Strokes star will be catching for the ex-Marlins pitcher as GM Dave Dombrowski hopes to bring a novel form of entertainment and new supporters to Comerica Park, while still contending for the division and world championship:

"Mr. Coleman's going to reprise his role of Arnold Jackson in the sitcom classic Diff'rent Strokes.

If Dontrelle wants to throw a fastball down the middle to Alex Rodriguez, or he's struggling to find the zone, the plan is for Gary to get a loudspeaker, go to the mound and utter his timeless catchphrase, 'What 'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?', to alleviate the tension for fans and players alike, and provide a moment of levity in an otherwise pressure-filled environment.

A pennant race can get pretty nerve-wracking, so this hilarious gimmick is really going to benefit everyone in the clubhouse, not to mention the profits generated from extra ticket sales to loyal Diff'rent Strokes and Gary Coleman fans", beamed a clearly ecstatic Dombrowski.

Not everyone is happy with the proposal however, with a surprised Magglio Ordonez questioning the wisdom of the move:

"What. The. Fuck?"

Regular catcher Pudge Rodriguez also expressed doubts:

"Hey, I'm as big a Diff'rent Strokes fan as the next guy, but Coleman has no experience in the majors. He can't swing the bat; literally, because it's too heavy, he throws like a girl and he can't call a game. I wouldn't mind as much, if it was someone over five feet tall, like BA from The A-Team...Ha ha, can you imagine that? I PITY DA FOOL WHO TRY TO STEAL SECOND! I AIN'T GOING ON NO PLANE TO PLAY THE MARINERS! Ha Ha" joked Pudge, shaking his head, "I love that guy.'

Most unsettling of all, are Dontrelle's own reservations, which he revealed privately to me in an interview:

    Dontrelle: Disaster! I didn't read the fucking small print on my contract! If I hadda known that I was gonna be working in tandem with Gary Coleman, d'ya think I woulda signed?

    Me: Well, he is a big star.

    Dontrelle: Big star!? Big star!? This isn't nineteen eighty fucking six! How the hell am I going to rebound from last year with Coleman as my catcher? Guys are going to be stealing on me at every opportunity! My ERA will skyrocket! The Marlins defense may have sucked, but at least there weren't no Gary Coleman in the goddamn mix! Can you imagine any serious baseball organization hiring a midget?

    Me: Well, the Blue Jays have David Eckstein.

    Dontrelle: True...true.

    Coleman: What 'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

    Dontrelle: How the heck did you get in here? Get lost!

    Coleman: I was hiding in the cupboard, Willis!

    Dontrelle: Get out, twerp. This is a private interview.

    Coleman: What 'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

    Dontrelle: You're 40 years-old, man. Move on already. And my name's D-Train.

    Coleman: What 'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

    Dontrelle: How you'd be better at shortstop. Ha ha. Get it? Short?

    Coleman: What' 'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

    Dontrelle: Right, that's it. I've had it. You and me Coleman, you and me.

    *Dontrelle stands up, takes off his jacket and slams it to the floor*

    Me: NO DONTRELLE! CALM...

    *The interview was cut short due to a violent, bloody episode, involving several headlocks and ninja kicks. Thankfully, no lasting damage was caused, thanks to the timely intervention of several Tigers players, and the horrible mismatch was duly separated. Dontrelle should recover from his broken pelvis in time to pitch opening day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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