Written by cheesehoven
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Wednesday, 5 March 2008

image for Keegan to undergo crucifixion at Newcastle ground
The board pitched several options

After his dismal series of results as manager, Newcastle United directors are set to nail Kevin Keegan to the goal at the Gallowgate end of St James Park in the hope this will resurrect their season.

In what some are viewing as a fulfilment of biblical prophecy, the crucifixion has been scheduled for Good Friday this year, weather permitting, unless results improve.

The crucifixion will begin with a ritual whipping to be carried out by frustrated fans.
To add to his suffering he will be forced to wear a wig based on his old 70s perm.

He is then to taken to St James Park and nailed to a crossbar while boozy headcase Paul Gascoigne takes penalties aimed at his crotch.

In a remarkable example of taking one for the team, Keegan has agreed to this with very little fuss.

Gazza is said to be delighted.

"I always wanted to get him in the nuts", he said.

Messiah

Keen fan of the magpies and warmongering bible-nut, ex-pm Tony Blair says "This is the best news I've heard in a long while."

"As I see it, Keegan's crucifixion will either lead us [Newcastle] out of relegation or to God's kingdom on earth. Either way, I'm happy."

Despite Keegan being hailed as the toon's Messiah when appointed, Newcastle have yet to win under his charge, which has led to some calling him a false prophet.

"Its make you think, Our Lord was despised and rejected just before his greatest triumph." big-toothed Blair continued "maybe this means our season will turn around."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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