Written by Kea Toff
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Topics: Satellites

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

image for US ponders use of punter to down satellite
Satellite's brother saddened, but understanding the game must go on.

Punter, Jeff Feagles, is under serious consideration to punt down a crippled US spy satellite instead of the expected Navy shootdown. Feagles recently signed a two-year contract with the NFL champion New York Giants.

"I'd be very happy to do something for my country and maybe the entire world.", Feagles said in a cellphone interview with TheSpoof.com. "It would be great to be the best in football and satellite demolition."

"Jeff is the best directional punter of all time," Giants general manager Jerry Reese said. "This guy could probably knock down the moon if he wanted to. He is a jock's jock."

Concerns over the use of the US navy's SM-3 ability to destroy the crippled US spy satellite have grown increasingly over the past few weeks. Since the real life use of the missile has never been proven, "This could be a giant embarrassment to us all," confides a top weapons system watcher. "If we miss, our allies will laugh at us", said Owen Asp, "We'll be the biggest joke on the bloc, Jeff has a better track record than we do."

Left alone, the satellite would be expected to hit Earth during the first week of March. About half of the 5,000lb spacecraft would be expected to survive its blazing descent through the atmosphere and would be expected to desolate half of Nebraska. Options differ, but the general feeling is it would be better to wipe out half of Nebraska rather than say, knock off all of Rhode Island."

President George Bush has given the OK to use punter Jeff Feagles to do the down and dirty deed of getting rid of the dangerous space junk. "I'm a big soccer fan too," stated President Bush. "We watch it all the time at our ranch."

Feagles declined to say how much money he would charge, but promises it would be less than he earned in the last year of the final year of a five-year deal. "The wild card in this whole decision will be if I can do this and still schedule my induction into the Miami Hall of Fame." said Feagles who wants to prove it to himself that he can punt down a satellite. "I have a fire in my belly to knock down that space junk."

Feagles was considering retirement after spending 20 years in the NFL. After the Super Bowl this season, and he acknowledged he considered buying a bank and a small country and taking it easy with his family. Since the call to punt down the satellite the past three days have been a blur for Feagles, with vivid dreams of celebrations, delusions of grandeur and a stream of telephone calls and messages from imploring admirals and other distressed US Navy officials wishing to pass the buck. Or ball as it may be in this case.

If the deal is consummated the hand-off will be in the next few days. Already television network officials are vying for rights to televise the punt which is expected to be conducted on a US Navy carrier and may include luxury cruise ship seats for the event.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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