Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 18 February 2008

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The organisers of the London Marathon have today announced a ban on bottled water, and in the future, runners will only be able to obtain water from huge taps placed strategically along the 26-mile route.

The ban comes after environmental groups complained that producing bottled water costs billions of pounds, leaves a massive carbon footprint, and renders inhabitants of places like Fiji without drinking water and 'downright thirsty'.

Since its inception in 1981, the Marathon has provided runners in the event with a welcome supply of refreshing cold water which can be drunk, or used to cool the head, torso or bollox, if desired. It can also be thrown at rival competitors.

For this year's race, though, giant taps operated by Fijians will be the only relief from the unrelenting boredom.

Athletes have been quick to react, claiming that enormous queues at the taps will bring the race to a standstill, whilst others say that, water being freely available will result in every tramp in London turning up for a much-needed shower.

UK Environment Minister Phil Woolas, speaking on the BBC, said:

"The amount we spend on bottled water is totally unacceptable, as is the amount we spend on Warfare, MP's salaries and expenses, nationalising banks and other such wastes of taxpayers money through corruption and incompetence."

Lord Sebastian & Co, head of the British Olympic bid and a keen water drinker himself, said:

"I always drank bottled water, Steve Ovett drank from a tap, and Steve Cram, being from Up North, drank straight from the River Tyne. I don't think it makes that much difference, does it?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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