Written by Rick McEwan
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Wednesday, 13 February 2008

image for SPL to play abroad?

The Scottish Premier League is in talks with an international consortium, led by investment firm Diamonde Group, which wants to hold SPL matches outside of Scotland for the first time, a move which has delighted ex-pat Scots across the globe.

Under the proposals, all SPL teams will play one of their fixtures each year in a foreign country. Cities already reporting interest include New York, Sydney, Rio De Janaeiro and Tokyo.

At a press conference, consortium chairman Gil Diamond said: "We want to reintroduce the world to the traditional game of fit'ba, as played by William Wallace's men as a way of keeping fit between battles. Obviously the old game in its original form isn't suited to today's modern stadiums, but we have plans to fuse the old and the new in this new franchise.

"The Glasgow Green Hoops v Blue Shirts match-up is obviously one of the most exciting soccer franchises in the world, but I think that the international audience will taken amazed by the standard of football played by teams like the Inverness Thistles or Edinboro Hibernians over in bonnie Scotland."

For details on the 'old game', the consortium point to Heid an Ba', a medieval drawing depicting muscular kilted figures kicking a round object. No original copies exist but a copy made by an unknown academic were found on the back of an envelope in the offices of Diamonde International last month. According to fit'ba expert Phillipe Diamonde, the game would originally have been played with the heads of enemies, with each team's goal being to get the 'ball' to either side of a field.

The plan will have to wait to see the light of day however, as a number of proposed rule changes will have to be approved by UEFA. the European football governing body. Likely sticking points include plans to modify kits to include kilts and the use of bagpipes to signal refereeing decisions. A UEFA source said: "The kilts might just get allowed as long as player numbers are clearly displayed but bagpipes? This bunch want a blast of Scotland the Brave every time there is a penalty, which is just ridiculous".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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