Written by Warren Redlich
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Thursday, 7 February 2008

image for Duke Beats Tarheels; Krzyzewski Denies Cheating
Did Duke infuse the ball with substances?

The Duke Blue Devils beat the North Carolina Tarheels last night in an exciting game. The "Dukies" mostly did it with great shooting, while the Heels did not shoot well. Coach Mike Krzyzewski denied allegations that Duke cheated in its win, saying that there were no performance-enhancing substances used, and that no animals were harmed.

Some Tarheel supporters pointed to the amazing shooting of Duke guard Greg Paulus, who was 6 for 8 from 3-point territory. "He's gotta be on Ritalin or something," said one source who wished to remain anonymous. Others claimed that Duke fans in the crowd were using laser pointers: "They kept putting them into Ellington's eyes!"

Tar Heel coach Roy Williams pooh-poohed the cheating allegations: "We just didn't shoot well. You can't beat a top team like Duke when you shoot 3 for 17 on 3's."

Nevertheless, a congressional investigation into the allegations may take place. Also, documentary filmmaker Michael Moore is said to be working on a project showing that private universities routinely cheat, and that state universities are more trustworthy since they're run by the government.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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