Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 6 February 2008

image for Capello Warned By FA: Speak English Or You're Out!
Lesson 437: "Playing like a bunch of fairies"

England football manager Fabio Capello has been warned by the Football Association that, regardless of results on the field of play, he will be out of a job within three months if he fails to show sufficient promise in the English language.

Capello's leadership qualities have brought him unparalleled success wherever he has taken charge, but the FA, egged-on by a frenzied media circus, now seem more concerned about the Italian supremo's lack of linguistic flair than whether he can bring home the World Cup, and issued a statement yesterday complete with the 3-month ultimatum.

Trevor Brooking, the FA Barrow Boy said:

"Flavio - yeah, he's a triffick mangager, but I fink...er...we need 'im to...erm... try and talk English gooder...otherwise...erm... it'll be curtains."

Capello, who said he would master English within a month, has, to his credit, picked up a lot of 'Football English', and feels he already has more-or-less in his linguistic armoury to be able to get his message across to the players.

At a Press conference this morning, he said: "I already speak better than Trevor Brooking, although that's not saying much. From training sessions with the players, I have acquired some useful terms of reference, including 'shit', 'bollox', 'bastard', 'robbed', 'mugged', 'knackered', 'injuries', 'unlucky', 'early exit' and 'come on ref'. These, I have been told by Stuart Pearce, should be enough for the first couple of years."

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