Basel - (Insomnia Mess): Twelve times grand slam winner Roger Federer seems in buoyant mood ahead of the reported $10 million exhibition match on 10 March at the Madison Square Garden Men's Vogue/NetJets Showdown against world record holding tennis champion Pete Sampras.
But deep inside he is, according to celeb tennis magazine Men With Balls, 'a raging torrent of swirling passions, plagued by insomnia and a king-size erection that just won't lie down and let him take it like a man.'
Is it love? Is it lust? Is it nubile blonde Russian six foot man-eater Maria Sharapova?
And most of all is it wobbly tectonic plate time with Roger's long term girlfriend/fiancee Mirka, she of the comely Slovak looks, chubby cheeks and extremely firm grasp on the engagement ring?
"Roger is in hell," a source close to Federer said today.
"Just one night of passion before the Melbourne semis with La Sharapova and he is like a man possessed."
At the Basel apartment he shares with Mirka the tennis ace has run out of excuses about the raging insomnia that has plagued him ever since his three sets to love defeat against Novak Djokovic on the day following his gruelling orgasmathon in Sharapova's arms.... not to mention other delectable parts of her lissom, suntanned, twenty year old body.
"Each time the landline rings he makes excuses - just in case! - to take the call in the adjacent room," his coach Mickey said today.
"And if it's the mobile he'll dash outside like a scalded cat before hiding out in some secret cranny to take the all-important call just in case it's from...shhhhh, you kow who!"
Sweat, palpitations, increased blood pressure...Just how much more can a man take?
At her Florida condo today Maria Sharapova was mulling the latest offer from men's magazine Hustler for a naked ten page St Valentine's centerfold.
"Maybe I'll email Roger," Maria mused as she attached a ten minute video of herself astride a two litre Harley Davidson, naked as the day she was born save for thigh-length Dolce & Ganbbana silver-spurred black snakeskin boots and a 500 carat diamond bracelet gleaming in the sunlight on her sun-kissed wrist.
A close-up shot reveals the Harley's engine purring like a giant vibrator as the siberian tigress moves rhythmically on the leather saddle, arching her back against the golden sunlight, nipples erect like budding acorns, blonde hair strewn around her shoulders and trembling scarlet lips mouthing.......her secret lover's name.
"Better just erase that "Happy Birthday from Andy Roddick" from the motorbike footage, though," Maria suddenly realised.
"Much too early to play any jealousy card."