The withdrawal of Andy Murray from Britain's Davis Cup team to face Argentina in Buenos Aires on clay has forced balding captain John Lloyd to concede that they're 'in for a right royal hammering' just a few days before the explosive clash.
Great Britain, who go into the contest with Alex Bogdanovic and Jamie Baker as their number one and two, a situation Lloyd described as 'the stuff of nightmares', have been made five billion to one outsiders to emerge in glorious victory.
Speaking from the practice court whilst coaching his team, Lloyd spoke to TheSpoof.com: "Hopeless - that's what we are. I don't even want to go to Argentina but I have to because it's my job. Once Andy (Murray) pulled out, I knew we were dead in the water. The best we can hope for from five matches is about six or seven games. If these two clowns (Bogdanovic and Baker) can manage that, then I'll consider my job done. Christ, where's that bottle of brandy!?"
The 53 year-old Lloyd, who hasn't picked up a racket since 1988, also revealed that he may be forced to play in a few rubbers himself 'if things get too embarrassing'.
"Yes, I'm ready to go up against Nalbandian or Acasuso or whomever. Let's face it, I will probably do as good a job as Laurel and Hardy over there. No! No! No, Baker! Remember what I told you! The handle of the racket is at the end WITHOUT the strings! Fucking ninny!"
Bogdanovic meanwhile, nicknamed 'Boggo' by his peers; a handle not derived from his surname but rather from the fact that most of his career earnings has come from cleaning the players' toilets at various tour events, says he will be able to cope with the pressure of the occasion: "I don't see any reason why I can't step up to the plate. I've been in difficult situations before; namely when there was a particularly nasty turd clogging the toilet in cubicle 7 at Wimbledon last year, but I dealt with the situation accordingly and was even commended by Rafa Nadal for the sterling job that I did on removing the unfortunate after-effects of a dodgy Indian curry. I'm ready for anything."
Argentina are expected to welcome Lloyd and co. with the usual good grace and hospitality that Argentinians reserve for the British.