Gstaad, Switzerland - (Walkover Mess): Twelve-times grand slam-winning tennis champion Roger Federer emerged from the doldrums today at an Alpine skiing resort chalet in Gstaad and told close friends of his retractile testicles blow at the Australian Open Men's semis.
"Guys, I'm still trussed up in surgical spandex," the 26 year-old winced, "which is like a bespoke padded diaper that moulds itself to the scrotum. Or in my case, whatever is left of where my scrotum used to be."
The Swiss tennis ace was clearly in laconic mood despite a barrage of questions about fast-spreading rumors that a Russian peroxide bombshell may have been induced to shag him silly on the eve of his semi-final needlematch against Crow-Asian wonderboy Novak Djokovic.
Federer notably lost the match in a straight sets whitewash and limped off the court "as if vasectomy stitches had suddenly burst in mid tie-break" according to some witnesses.
"I've seen a consultant urologist this morning," Federer continued, "who confirmed my own worst fears: there's just no sensation left in the cremaster muscle and the superficial inguinal pouch seems to have gone AWOL.
"In layman's terms, she sucked me dry.
"And now it's like that part of my body has retreated away from all intimate contact. Either that or deep inside I'm just scared shitless my girlfriend Mirka will find out and lob a few bricks in the general direction of what used to be my manhood...
"Guys, it's really terrible.
"The thing is, someone called me today saying they had a camcorder recording of La Sharapova's signature on-court grunts against the splish-sploshing background of my hotel room waterbed.
"I didn't even know a female could have that kind of octave-range outside of a howler-monkey zoo enclosure.
"And what's even worse I think it may have irrevocably pierced an eardrum because I'm nigh on deaf in my left side as well."
Swiss Tennis Association coaches have given Federer three weeks of sick-leave pending results from an MRI scan to determine where exactly in his body his testicles may have retreated to.
And while remedial surgery has been ruled out at this stage consultant urologists have yet to find a non-invasive way of successfully coaxing out the superficial inguinal pouch from just below the inguinal canal.
"Maybe he should try some tried-and-tested muscle relaxant," one experienced sports injury coach suggested, "like a couple hours in the sack with the Williams sisters and a couple of spliffs."