Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 24 January 2008

image for Texas to Begin Testing High School Athletes for Steroids
Is your school drug free on the athletic field?

The state of Texas will begin testing student athletes at the high school level for performance enhancing drugs (including steroids) beginning in February. This comes into effect due to a near unanimous vote by the state legislature to reduce drug use by minors and keep school sports clean and drug free.

In a state where football is king, the move is a surprise to many people. That season, however, will not start until September, so those athletes will not be checked for now.

Head of testing, Dr. Biff Hardtackle, said: "We're supposed to test 40,000 to 50,000 kids in every calendar year. I think if we start now, we can whip it all out by graduation time and then enjoy the summer, fall, and early winter. This time next year, we'll start up again."

When asked which sports and teams were first on the "random" list, Hardtackle answered that "we're going after them chess teams. Have you seen how fast they move those little pieces? That just isn't natural!

"After that, we'll have to do a girl's sport to give them equal time. We really don't think the gymnastics things are taking any pills, because they are so skinny you can practically see what they ate for lunch. We are, however, watchdogs for this and will have to check them all.

"Bust development cream and surgical implants do not count as illegal drugs, so I think we can safely leave the cheerleaders alone. We are, however, going to have to check out the flag girls and pep squads, because they've got some beefy women in those units.

"The bowling and golf teams are next on our lists. Just because they don't generate any revenue for the school doesn't mean that they can't be taking drugs to help them perform.

"When we get done with them, we'll meet our quota for the year. We'll just have to miss out on the football, basketball, baseball, and track teams this go-round. Maybe we'll get to them some other year."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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