BRISTOL, CT - ESPN, the self-touted 'Worldwide Leader in Sports', announced Monday that it will be cutting most of the broadcasts of women's sporting events from its schedule.
"Based on dismal ratings, and the loss of advertisement contracts, we have made the decision to cut our broadcasts of the WNBA, LPGA, women's soccer, and any other content which features butch chicks attempting in vain to engage in athletic endeavors," announced John Skipper, Executive VP of Content at ESPN. "Our viewers just aren't interested in tuning in to watch some ugly broads playing sports with a fraction of the excitement and athleticism of their male counterparts. Seriously, even women are bored by women's sports."
Despite cutting most of its women's broadcasts, the network has promised that it will increase the coverage of some selected women's sports, including beach volleyball, cheerleading, and 'foxy' boxing - all of which somehow maintained good ratings, despite the fact that all the competitors were female.
"For some strange reason, despite our overwhelmingly male audience, some of our women's coverage did rate well," said Skipper. "I'm assuming it has something to do with the female anatomy. Possibly that the feminine figure allows women to actually compete adequately enough in some sports to make them watchable. Regardless of the reason, women's sports like bikini roller derby and mud wrestling performed well, and thus, they will receive more coverage."
Public reaction to the announcement was largely supportive of the move. While most women couldn't have cared less about televised sports, and most men applauded the decision, thankful that they would no longer tune in for The World Series of Arm Wrestling to find it replaced by something gay like figure skating, it did get some bra-burning feminist types' panties all in a bunch.
"This was purely a business decision," said President George Bodenheimer, justifying the network's announcement. "We're all for equal rights, but it is a fact that sports programming attracts an overwhelmingly male audience. We have come to the realization that men do not want to watch some homely female golfer swing a club like it's a vacuum cleaner for three hours. However, in the interest of equal rights, and despite their complete lack of sporting knowledge, we have decided to hire more foxy babes as Sports Center anchors and sports reporters."
In a further effort to appease those hairy-pitted feminists, ESPN also announced that its flagship telecast, Sports Center, will soon feature more feminine content, with the creation of a new segment devoted entirely to women's tennis. The new segment, entitled Behind the Net, will feature a Sports Center viewer favorite - clips of Maria Sharapova and Ana Ivanovich bending over.