Drowning Street, London - (Bad Ass Mess): Ex-England football captain David Beckham was unexpectedly called in to 10 Downing Street on Tuesday night.
He spent a tricky hour explaining why Victoria's near-naked lopsided roast chicken-esque sink-plunger silicone implanted boobs are constantly splashed across tabloid front pages instead of the Prime Monster's own darling wife's.
"Well Gord," Becks faltered, "it's them Californian solar-powered implants. They need constant exposure.
"But at night time flashbulbs do the job. Otherwise they'd flop like the England eleven against Croatia in the crucial Euro 2008 qualifier.
"That then means an hour's hand-job pumping them back up to perky again.
"There's only so much that a bloke can take."
Brown sighed loudly and then gave Beckham the nod for the England captaincy against Switzerland in a friendly on February 6th.
But only on condition he "takes Mrs Brown in hand" and goes over the technique to her own satisfaction.
Fabio Capello is 69.