Written by Tom Lawrence
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Monday, 24 December 2007

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Just ahead of the forthcoming January transfer window, the Football Association has finally ruled on the number of foreign players allowed in league teams. Starting from next season teams must include at least one British born player in their line-up.

To encourage this change the FA have announced a new points system. If a club fields a British player who is of Anglo-Saxon descent any win including this player will be rewarded with four points instead of three and two points for a draw.

FA executive James Wannatooto said ,"we am wanting to see more honkies on de pitch". New FA Secretary, Juan Pablo Emilio Estevez added, "Queremos ver más inglés jugadores en el campo de juego".

Not all clubs have welcomed the new ruling, Sir Alex Ferguson ranted, "Ye cannae find a Ronaldo in Moston or Wythenshawe, ye have tae take first class flights around the world and stay in 5-star hotels tae find top players". However, Newcastle boss Sam Allahdyce, was happy with the new law and promised to bring back Alan Shearer who is currently playing for Accrington Stanley reserves.

The Scottish FA moved quickly and announced a similar points bonus for teams who include players whose names start with "Mac". A Scottish team can earn a staggering 8 points for a win if a MacTavish or a MacKenzie turns out wearing a kilt and hums the theme from Braveheart for the full 90 minutes of play. "We are wanting to put de Scottish back into Scottish football". Scotland's FA chief, Mohamed Patel, was quoted as saying.

The FA has been rocked by recent revelations including the exposure that David Beckham's real name is David Becker, brother of legendary German tennis ace, Boris. Beckham's constant nibbling of cabbage at half-time finally alerted English officials. This was quickly followed by the news that Michael Owen was born Mikael Owenski to Russian parents who illegally immigrated to Liverpool in 1985.

The FA is expected to make further rulings next year including restricting the amount of foreign fans allowed into England's home games and also setting a minimum age for ball boys and club mascots.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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