NEW YORK - Bud Selig has resigned his post as Commissioner of Major League Baseball. Announcing his retirement before a large gathering of hot dog vendors, batboys, and steroid salesmen, Selig said, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth."
As baseball's steroid scandal grew, Bud Selig asked former Washington Senator George Mitchell to conduct an inquisition into steroid use at every level of major league baseball. When Mitchell released his report on Thursday, a large amount of blame was placed at the Commissioner's own feet. Citing examples of Bud Selig's involvement, the Mitchell report revealed that Selig had installed automatic steroid dispensers in the water fountains of all dugouts and locker rooms. Bud Selig also saw to it that all of the players' chewing tobacco was heavily laced with steroids.
Selig had planned to place the blame with each individual baseball player but, when a copy of his contract with the American Tobacco Company turned up on FOX News, Selig was left with little choice. "I considered committing suicide, but then remembered that I had a pair of lifetime tickets for seats out in the right field bleachers. Who'd want to miss out on a deal like that?"