BOSTON - After 20 months of sniffing around the fetid locker rooms of major league baseball, George Mitchell did more than just uncover the use of steroids among some of baseball's greatest star players.
During most baseball games, George Mitchell, armed with a large pair of bolt cutters and his childhood 43-piece A.C. Gilbert Chemistry Set, searched through the empty locker rooms. "After snipping the lock from each player's locker, I carefully examined every jock strap for steroid residue," said Mitchell. "I also looked into every aspirin bottle, because most baseball players kept their steroid stash hidden in their aspirin bottles. Pretty clever, huh?"
While George Mitchell was not exactly looking for evidence of amphetamine, cocaine, or other illicit drugs, that didn't stop him from "sampling" any of these drugs.
"In the bottom of most baseball players' lockers, I could usually just scoop up handfuls of miscellaneous pills and powders. After a while, my work got to be so boring that I took to swallowing some of these things---just to see what they were like.
"One day last week, I must have swallowed a few hits of acid by mistake. I guess I then wandered out onto the infield and caused a scene. The next day, one of the umpires told me that he had to have me removed from the field after I had snorted up half of the line between 3rd base and home plate. I honestly don't remember that."
George Mitchell's girlfriend Heather is reporting that George has suddenly grown a large patch of hair on his back that resembles a shag carpet. "I can deal with the extra hair and even those violent mood swings," says Heather, "but I told George that if he doesn't get rid of that big collection of smelly jock straps, he can go find himself some other 35-year old tennis partner."