Leather faced grumblestiltskin Jose Mourinho denies rumours he may take over the sacrificial lamb/temping post of England manager but has thrown his name into the bullet riddled hat to be the next president and manager of struggling third world division side Iraq.
The Iraq team have suffered heavy defeats at home for the last five seasons mainly due to the loss of their best striker Saddam 'Insane' Hussein. Hussein was world renowned for his volleys and supreme control yet ultimately his final execution let the side down.
Mourinho has demanded a 32,000 digit salary but intends to bring top name players to the side such as Peter 'all chin' Beardsley and professional hot potato playing goalkeeper Paul Robinson.
The team are poorly funded and have been reduced to playing matches in their ill-fitting gaza strip sponsored by lovable charity organisation Exxon Mobil. Attendance at games has been poor and outbreaks of organised hooliganism are rife within stadiums, and streets.
Almost two thirds of Morinho's squad will be severely mangulated and four of the starting eleven have no legs or feet bones.
Jose is said to be optimistic about Iraq's footballing prospects, especially given that their next fixture is away at England before an easy no contest match with the United of States.
Fingers crossed this will finally put the tiny country on to the world stage.