Barry Bonds and every other Major League Baseball player over the past eight years have been indicted for steroid abuse, according to BALCO investigators.
"Bonds is simply being used as a scapegoat for something that every single player in the league has been doing regularly since 1990" said Bonds Attorney Michael Rains in a prepared statement. "If you indict Barry Bonds then you will be forced to indict America's pastime! You will be forced to indict Alex Rodriguez, Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, Ivan Rodriguez, Ken Griffey Jr., Mark McGwire, Vladimir Guerrero, Nomar Garciaparra, Derek Jeter, Chipper Jones, Greg Maddux, Mariano Rivera, Kevin Brown, Sammy Sosa, Roberto Alomar, Shawn Green, Mike Piazza, Rafael Palmeiro, Manny Ramirez, Todd Helton, Bernie Williams, Andrew Jones, Mike Mussina, Jeff Bagwell, Jason Giambi, Edgar Martinez, David Wells, Carl Everette, Carlos Delgado, Frank Thomas, Edgardo Alfonzo, Trevor Hoffman, Darin Erstad, Steve Finley, Jermaine Dye, Troy Glaus, Tom Glavine, Kris Benson, Brian Giles, Larry Walker, Jim Edmonds - did I already say Jim Edmonds? Anyway, Albert Belle, Eric Karros, Orlando Hernandez, Juan Gonzales, Bobby Abreu, Antonio Alfonseca, Scott Rolen and our own beloved Andres Galarraga. Not to mention the players in the league that have not been on steroids for long and have not yet shown their greatness!"
Shortly after Rains gave his speech Kris Benson denied having ever used steroids thus resulting in a new investigation.
Rains said that an indictment of Barry Bond would be an indictment of the United States of America. This could lead to anarchy, a bloody and violent Civil War, an overthrow of the United States government and possible nuclear annihilation of the planet.
"For the good of humanity and to prevent Armageddon let my client go!" Rains implored. "Judge not lest ye be judged!!!"