Written by Dr A Friend
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Topics: Competition, lips

Monday, 29 March 2004

image for Will von Schumacher win yet again?
Will Baron von Schumacher celebrate his 80th F1 championship win?

It's the question on the lips of every avid fan of the FF1 competition - will Baron von Schumacher be top scorer again this year? In his dashing leathers and trade-mark bright red, triple-spoiler speed machine, the aristocratic ace is tipped to win the FF1 world wide event yet again in 2004.

Speaking from his design facility in Amsterdam, clog-wearing team boss Anthony Fokker described his latest vehicle as "Our best yet, by ze long vay." Professor Fokker excitedly explained his strategy to win. "Ve vill beat ze Britishers at zere own game ha. Ve haf fitted ze Englander Merlin engine and zere Lewis guns for maximum competitive edge. Ze tommies do not haf ze chance zis time", he chuckled.

However, there seems to be some anxiety in the Fokker camp about the new British ace, Major Jason Button, who hails from Somersetshire. Known to his team chums as "choccy", due to his sponsorship by the giant Cadbury Corporation, Button is upbeat about his chances in the forthcoming duels with the Baron, "If oi can get beind eee, oi'll avun fer brekfust.", quipped Button, while sharing an intimate Cadburys Flake chocolate bar with a sexy umbrella girl, who was holding his perfectly-formed Chocolate Creme Eggs.

It's not just crumbly chocolate and crumpet, however, as there is a darker, Bournville-like side to the story too. Baron von Schumacher is dreading the end of March... and April is always a stressful time for the mega-scorer. In April of 1918, his great, great uncle Manfred was knocked out of the WW1 world competition.

Baron Manfred's demise was allegedly the work of a Canadian gravy magnate's son, Captain W Arse Brown, in his British Racing Green entry from the fledgling Royal Air Force SE5a team. This story is surrounded by controversy too, as it has since been claimed that uncle Manfred's fate in 1918 was, in fact, sealed by sultry Sergeant Russell Poppykins. A rogue Australian pit mechanic, the punchy sergeant claims he got a clear shot right into the hapless Hun's aristocratic arse - and has been crowing on about it ever since.

A spokesman for a big Hollywood film studio has confirmed that Sir Tom Cruise will lead a glittering all-American cast of short-arsed stars in the forthcoming film about the exploits of the duelling Barons. The fact that the Yanks had sod all to do with WW1 dogfights or Formula 1 competitions is considered irrelevant, as usual.

But every cloud has a silver lining. "It makes a change not to have to stand on a box during filming", the arselly-challenged Cruise added, "After all, even I should be able to sit in a little red Fokker without looking like one."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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