Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 17 November 2007

image for Bulletproof Vests Go On Sale In Old Trafford Clubshop
Careful! They hurt, you know!

Bulletproof vests and other essential lifesaving body protection equipment has gone on sale at the Old Trafford clubshop ahead of the FC Roma-Manchester United Champions League clash at the Stadio Olympico on December 1st.

The move by the unscrupulous United marketing department to offer fashionable safety equipment to the Greatest Fans in the World, comes after a weekend of football violence in Italy when police opened fire with automatic weapons, killing one fan and injuring scores of others.

The dead fan, Gabriele Sandri, 26, was shot in his car after an unnamed policeman's gun "went off" as he went to stop a brawl.

Mr Sandri was a DJ, and presumably played all that relentless Euro disco shite which was, inconceivably, the accepted norm throughout the late 1980s and early 1990s, and which I hated so much.

United have sold all their allocation of tickets for the crunch match with Roma and, after trouble in the corresponding fixture last season when three bricks were thrown, all the signs are there for more trouble.

Unscrupulous clubshop executives have, therefore, decided not to waste the opportunity to fleece gullible fans of more hard-earned cash, and are retailing the vests at the extortionate price of £199, or £249 for the deluxe model, which comes in red and white with a sew-on United club badge.

Marketing Director Cash Robberts said in a statement on the official Manchester United website www.man,youaredumb.com:

"Fan safety is our primary concern. We aim to provide maximum safety and security at an affordable price. We think we've done that, and early sales figures seem to indicate that our loyal, trustworthy, cash-soaked fans support us in our efforts. That, and the fact that they'll buy any old tat that we sell in red and white."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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