Written by damian parry
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Topics: Liverpool FC

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

image for "Our Pitch is Ruining us" says Liverpool
Stevie G awaits his turn on the swing

Liverpool players were today sensationally accused of derailing their teams improbable title bid by damaging the pitch at Anfield.

Contrary to popular belief that it was all Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea's fault for being better than them, the real reason for Liverpool's lacklustre displays are down to the terrible playing surface that the team have to play on weekly.

It appears after calling in specialist pitch consultants, that the uneven, rutted surface was found to be caused by Saint Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher dragging their knuckles repeatedly along the pitch.

"It is a disaster" agreed backroom staff member Barry Grant, "no matter how much we roll the pitch, as soon as the lads get on it they cut it up worse than a back street bouncer from Bootle. We came in one morning and some of the lads had even hung up tyres from the crossbars for the boys to swing from. The crossbar broke of course, and the gaffer insisted on bringing in a new one from Patagonia. Unfortunately its not much KOP and falls off every week, but Raffa seems set on persisting with it"

The interview stopped there as Barry, displaying his famous scouse sense of humour, was unable to continue after finding his use of pun incredibly funny,

Part time head groundsman Ron Dixon also complained: "I just don't need all these hassles. I only took the job after I was signed off sick with a bad back and thought it would be a nice little earner on the side. It was only last week that I had to resurface a section of the pitch after it was damaged by a bunch of Liverpool fans holding a minutes silence for a patch of dead grass in the penalty box"

Liverpool ticket holder Jimmy Corkhill whined further: "I just can't believe it, our own players would recklessly harm the club like this! After all the s**t we see on the pitch every week we should have the best playing surface in the league. I blame Gary Neville."

Former star Emlyn Hughes was unavailable for comment, as he is now dead and buried, although claiming benefit at several different addresses on Merseyside.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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