Written by SMSL
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Saturday, 10 November 2007

MANCHESTER UNITED defender Gary Neville has been in hiding today as it was revealed that he was caught red handed having sexual intercourse with a fridge. The England international was spotted humping the fridge at the early hours of Saturday morning by two youths when they went to burgle his home in Salford.

The two youths, who want to remain anonymous, revealed how he;

  • Called the fridge by the name Carla
  • Was spanking the side of the fridge whilst engaging in sex
  • Shouted sexual remarks only repeated in pornography films
  • Had a collection of homemade VHS tapes of his past sexual conquests qwith the fridge, including "The Quickie in Comet"

Youth A revealed how he first spotted these obscene actions. "Well, me and *NAME REMOVED* were gonna nick some stuff from his house, since it was a massive house so we assumed he had a load of expensive gear. We were gonna nick a load of gadgets he had. He had a PS3, big screen TV, a Nintendo DS, the whole works. We couldn't believe our luck. Then, as I was going to go to the kitchen to nick a toaster, I saw the man just hump his fridge. I was stunned when I found out it was Gary Neville".

Youth B, who was upstairs at the time, recieved a text message from Youth A, explaining how Gary was having sex with the fridge. "At first, I thought he was having a laugh", explained Youth B. "But as I was in the bedroom, I saw a collection of video tapes with labels such as "Gary and Giggsy's Fridge", and "European Champions League Of F**king Fridges". I would have popped it in, if I hadn't already put the VCR in my bag".

Youth B came down the stairs, quiety, before seeing Gary doing this henious act. Youth B filmed it with his mobile phone video camera. "He was doing all sorts of stuff with the fridge. It was rather mental. He was shouting stuff as "Experiement with my japs eye, Carla", and was spanking it like it was a bird's bottom. It was sordid".

Gary would penetrate the fridge by putting his penis between the door and the frame of the fridge door, and we would close the door on his erect penis and hump it. Youth A even revealed to us that he was wearing controception. "I will never forget it. When this gets out, Gary is going to get a lot of stick from his team mates like Ronaldo, Rooney and Saha.

The two youths escaped as Gary napped on the floor, compeletely naked. Gary as of yet has not been reached for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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