Written by Tess Tickles
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Monday, 12 November 2007

image for Israel Recall Jesus and Moses for Russia Match
Moses: "It's good to be back in the fold."

The general consensus is that England need a miracle to qualify for Euro 2008 and they may have gotten just that, with the news that Israel have surprisingly recalled Moses and Jesus to their squad for the clash with the Russians.

Moses, who hasn't played for his country since an incident in a friendly with Egypt, where he was adjudged to have smote an opponent and was promptly dismissed, has accused the Israeli manager of slave labor and of questionable tactics in the past; namely, in the away game in Moscow, when chasing the game and with the home side sitting back, Moses wanted to call on God to part the red sea of Russian defenders, while the coach preferred to switch the ball to the wings. He has also being accusing of dealing drugs, with former team-mates saying that they saw him in possession of at least two tablets in the dressing room.

Jesus, on the other hand, has been branded a 'luxury player' who spends too much time performing tricks, playing to the crowd and has been accused of lacking fighting spirit in hostile atmospheres; the perfect example of which could be witnessed in a friendly in Rome against Italy where, constantly spat at, he merely shrugged his shoulders and remained completely passive; fans complain that he 'lacks a set of grapefruits'. He also seems to never get on the end of crosses. Israel manager Dror Kashtan, who is Jewish, has shown little faith in him in the past.

God says that he sent the pair from heaven to Earth to save McClaren's job: "I don't think McClaren deserves all that stick from the media so I've sent JC and Mosey down to sort 'em out. I tuned into to the Russia v England game and I've gotta say it was never a penalty. The referee was a plonker."

Asked why he just doesn't endow McClaren with some sort of tactical nous or general competance instead of sending the duo back to Earth, God responded: "Yer 'aving a laugh ain't ya? Look mate, I'm God, not David Blaine. I can't perform miracles. McClaren!? Tactical nous!? Fuck off sunshine"

When the England manager was reached for comment in a monastery, emaciated, ironing out his monk's habit, clutching a crucifix, and adjusting his chastity belt, he said: "God is good! God is great! Have faith ye who hear his words! Fasting and prayer shall save thee from hellfire! Fast and ye shall be saved, hear ye!", before dropping to his knees and launching into a surprisingly good chorus of 'Ave Maria', proving that even if fails as a coach, a respectable career as a soprano must surely await.

All very odd. But true.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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