Paris, France - (Fly Half Mess): The Puppet Monarch sealed the England team's Rugby World Cup fate with a hand- written Kiss of Death note which Princess Anus will hand over to Johnny Wilkinson just minutes before kick-off.
The contents of the letter - complete with the Buckingham Palace crest - are top secret.
But Our-Man-With-The-X-Ray-Vision in Paris is confident that Old Fatty Mountbatten has said something like:
"I will nail your bollox to the mast of the Queen Mary if you screw up in the World Cup, you 'orrible tossers.
"36-Nil was the score the last time you played South Africa.
"Any repetition of that fiasco and you know just what to expect."
And with the Pretender to the Throne's filial impersonators, Wills and Harry, sitting with President Sarkozy in the Stade de France's top notch hospitality box it will be a brave man who can unhex the House of Mountbatten's potent curse.
Meanwhile internet spread-betting index Aintogottaprayer.com is offering odds of 6/5fav on South Africa taking home the spoils.
"And brilliant value at that sort of price!" said a punting source.