The English soccer team are raging with the latest news that Russia, their opponents in the crucial Euro 2008 qualifier on Wednesday, have changed the surface of their pitch to glue in what many see as a clear case of psychological warfare and blatant skullduggery.
Steve 'Ginger Spice' McClaren, was furious when I caught up with him in the queue for the toilets at a local Woolworths earlier today: "It's a disgrace. The plastic pitch idea wasn't the end of the world and we were taking it in our stride...but glue? A farce. An absolute farce."
David Beckham, who isn't even in the squad and whose opinion is thus totally irrelevant, also chimed in: "Glue is good for making those little toy airplanes that Victoria buys me for Christmas, y'know, but, y'know, it's probably not a good fing, y'know, that, y'know, the lads are playing footy on it".
The Russians, who are managed by Vladimer Putin, say that England just need to 'stop bitching' and that the glue gives no advantage to the homeside, despite the fact that many of their players are noted gluesniffers and play considerably better when high on drugs.
Rumours say the Russian outfit will also attempt to stick Rooney and Owen together when the ref isn't looking, while Paul Robinson will wear wooden gloves in an effort to prevent the usual spillage.
Russian striker Sychev says it's all absolute bullocks: "Glue gives us no advantage... *Sniff* ...WOOOOO! Good shit!"