Written by Tess Tickles
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Tuesday, 16 October 2007

image for Johnny Wilkinson: "Tries Should Be Banned"
The England rugby team's inspiration.

Johnny Wilkinson has controversially called upon the International Rugby Board to ban tries from rugby just days ahead of the World Cup final between England and the Springboks.

"I think it's only fair", said Wilkinson, who is regarded by many as the greatest Englishman since Winston Churchill. "You've got to reward the sides that make rugby worth watching-the teams that kick mainly drop-goals and penalties and can barely string seven passes together".

England's captain Phil Vickery backed up his teammate: "New Zealand and South Africa are ruining the game with their almost total reliance on tries and running rugby. I don't think the fans want to see energetic, free-flowing rugby at the expense of the good-old fashioned, stop-start, kick, lineout, kick, maul, kick, scrum, kick game".

England, who have exhilarated the crowds during this tournament, with many branding them 'the Brazil of Rugby Union', will present their case to the board on Wednesday, and hope that the men in charge will implement the new change ahead of the South African showdown.

"If South Africa win this tournament with their rubbish, boring brand of rugby then it will be a sad day", lamented Wilkinson. "You saw what they did to us in the group stages-scoring tries and all that other bullocks that goes against the tradition of the game".

"We just hope they're not going to be allowed to do that to us again", continued Vickery. "It was a disgrace. The scoring system means less talented teams who do nothing but score tries are rewarded almost with the same number of points as the skilful guys who are kicking penalties galore. It needs to be stopped. It'll be the death of rugby."

South Africa star Bryan Habana meanwhile, has defended his country's style of play: "Not every team can be as exciting, inventive and flamboyant as England. We've got to make do with what we've got."

Stay tuned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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