Written by Tess Tickles
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Friday, 12 October 2007

image for FIFA World Player Of The Year Announced: Paul Robinson!
Fifa Headquarters.

Spurs goalkeeper Paul Robinson has been named as FIFA World Player Of The Year, fighting off competition from Kaka, Messi and Ronaldo in the process, at a special gala in western Alabama.

The England man was presented with the award by none other than Fifa president Sepp 'I take the piss more than my' Blatter, as thunderous applause filled the broken down, cockroach-infested trailer.

Bladder was later hospitalised with a suspected broken metatarsal after Robinson went to grab the trophy only to see it spill out of his hands and straight to the feet of the onrushing president, but Martin Jol, Robinson's club manager, refused to blame the goalie for the incident, while Steve McClaren, his international manager, said that he didn't think Robinson should be dropped from the roll call of past winners for just one mistake.

McClaren, who described Robinson as England's Schmeichel recently, did admit however that he was surprised that the England number one had picked up the gong and that his aforementioned Schmeichel comments were 'taken out of context': "When I said that Paul was our Schmeichel, I actually meant Kasper Schmeichel. I'm also surprised that Beckham hasn't won. I would have given it to David myself."

The honour has come in for much criticism since its inception and is regarded by many as a complete and utter joke, especially since Francesco Totti has never been nominated, despite being the top scorer in Europe last season. When I asked one of the judges about Totti's omission, he seemed unaware of the Roman's existence:

"Totti? Oh yeah, I like Totti. 16 year-old girls in a seedy motel when the wifey's not around eh? Ain't nothin' like it! Only costs me a couple of bob too, don't it? We all like a bit of Totti us Fifa employees yeah!"

"No, no. I mean the Roma player, Francesco Totti?"


"Former Italian international?"

"Italian Totti? Yeah, nothing like it mate. The Brazilian girls ain't bad either. Corr blimey, I like a bit of nookie I do".

The results were as follows:

1. Paul Robinson: 57 percent of the vote.
2. Rosie O'Donnell: 12 percent of the vote.
3. Barney The Dinosaur: 9 percent of the vote.
4. Cliff from 'Cheers': 8 percent of the vote.
5. Donald Rumsfeld: 5 percent of the vote.
6. The drummer from Lynard Skynard: 4 percent of the vote.
7. Steve Guttenburg: 2 percent of the vote.
8. Marcel Marceau: 1 percent of the vote.
9. The shark from 'Jaws 3': 1 percent of the vote.
10. Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band: 1 percent of the vote.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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