Written by Timothy Sexton
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Sunday, 7 October 2007

North Haverbrook's Sacred Heart Hospital officials say they've never seen anything like it, and intend to never see it again. Four doctors and two nurses have been immediately suspended and may face a season long suspension for their part in an ugly brawl that began when Dr. Artest disagreed with Dr. Jackson's diagnosis of a patient. What makes this particular hospital brawl stand out from other recent brawls is that this time the action spilled over to include not just patients, but even family members in the waiting room.

It all began when Dr. Jackson diagnosed a patient with severe foulaesnesia. Dr. Artest then apparently cried out from across the CCU that the patient actually was suffering from acute inflated importitis. Since the brawl was captured on Sacred Heart Hospital videotape, what happened next is easy to timeline.

In fact, it was not Dr. Jackson who initiated the sequence of events, but rather Nurse Wallace who strides across the CCU hall and say something inaudible. At that point Dr. Artest then seems to purposely shoulder bump Nurse Wallace as he crosses over to Dr. Jackson whereupon he said, "Don't get your bi*ch to fight our battles, be a man." Dr. Jackson responded by shoving his face into the face of Dr. Artest, asking, "Yo, motherfu***, you be saying I ain't a man?"

Dr. Artest then turns his back on Dr. Jackson and though the audio is inaudible, the video clearly reveals what he says: "Punk (SOB), couldn't get his way through med school without cheating."

That is when things got out of hand. Nurse Wallace flies across the hall and flings a roundhouse punch that bounces off the head of the much taller Dr. Artest. Unfortunately, Dr. Artest wheels around just as Nurse Carlisle was passing by. Dr. Artist landed a right uppercut to Nurse Carlisle, knocking her back over a code blue cart, which went flying into a man who was only there to check up on his brother. This man, Mr. Green, is then seen picking up a defibrillator and throwing it at Dr. Artest. However, it flies over the head of Dr. Artest and hits Dr. Harrison. Not realizing who threw the defibrillator, Dr. Harrison punches Dr. Jackson smack in the face before turning around and striking a fighting stance at the arrive of Nurse Johnson. Nurse Johnson, a well-known associated of Dr. Artest, strikes a boxing stance herself and cries out, "You motherfu**ing punk, you wouldn't know a Lactate dehydrogenase from Lactobacillus acidophilus."

At this point all hell broke lose with fists and defibrillators flying. Of course, this is the first hospital brawl by any means. In fact, it brought back memories of the great Cedars Sinai brawl of 1993 and the Presbyterian Hospital brawl of 1975. Still, those hospital brawls resulted in only five suspensions between them. This kind of things is becoming far too common. In fact, it follows hard upon the brawl at Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin ad agency just this past summer that saw two copywriters suspended for a month and one graphic artist suspended for the season.

One can only hope that hospitals, ad agencies, law offices and schools will look to the sports world for guidance. If athletes in their high stress, low pay positions can keep it together, then why can't doctors, lawyers, bankers and the like keep from resolving their workplace differences with fisticuffs. This reporter is getting very tired of never being able to walk into a professional office without two co-workers suddenly breaking into obscenities and fist fights.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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