Written by The Macster
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Saturday, 6 October 2007

image for Australia v England Pre-match Assessment
The Australian Team in Training Yesterday

In a possible attempt to stir up old rivalries, Wallaby coach John Connolly has already whinged to quarter-final referee Paddy O'Brien about the England team's ready-to-rumble playing style stating that Olly Barclay hasn't 'cut his fingernails in two weeks' and someone could get a nasty little scratch.

He made further inflammatory accusations to IRB officials that the England team were 'very dirty' and hadn't 'washed in months'.

"I worry for my pack," said the clean-living Aussie sportsman. "Those pits can really hum. Especially after sixty minutes of brutal non-stop rugby action, and those English boys aren't little you know,"

When the suggestion was made that he was just trying to play 'mind games' with the English team, Connolly held up a handbag in both hands, pursed his lips and exclaimed very camply. "Oooh! Get her!"

Australia expects 'rough play'

Meanwhile rumours abound in the England camp, that coach Brian Ashton has dropped the entire English team apart from Jonny Wilkinson, for the quarter-final crunch match with Australia.

Wilkinson, who has not had a single news item written about him in the past four years that hasn't mentioned his last minute drop-goal in the 2003 final, is said to be relishing the challenge of taking on the Australian Team single handedly.

Explaining his reasoning, Ashton told theSpoof, "The team has been making too many unforced errors in this competition and at this level that won't go unpunished. Jonny is the one dependable player who you can rely on to not make those sort of costly mistakes and by dropping the players that do - the rest of the team - I've reduced the chances of disaster. If you look at his statistics, he's made virtually no mistakes on the field of play since that 2003 final. Admittedly, he's only played twelve minutes of competitive rugby in that time, but hey, statistics don't lie."

When we expressed concern that a full squad of 15 might be a bit too much for Wilkinson to handle on his own. Ashton replied.

"Only one player can score a try. As long as Jonny is there to tackle that one player then we'll be fine,"

-------------------STOP PRESS-------------------

Wilkinson may be out for the quarter final as he has suffered a recurrence of his neck injury. It has been reported that Brian Ashton is desperately trying to track down someone who has Will Carling's phone number.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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