Italian giants AC Milan have signed American TV personality Larry King from CNN in a swap deal with Brazilian superstar Kaka going the other way, The Spoof can report today.
The coup comes as part of the club's new policy of signing only up and coming players, having already signed 31 year-old Emerson, 34 year-old Ibrahim Ba, Moses, Methuselah and the fossils of a Tyrannosaurus Rex this Summer, bringing an already youthful squad's average age down to an impressive 91.9 years.
King was said to have preferred a move to Juventus but couldn't agree terms since he wanted to 'wear nothing but his suspenders during games and play second base.'
Kaka meanwhile had fallen out with his teammates after they failed to let him join in on bingo night, instead grounding him and constantly complaining about the loudness of the music he listened to:
"I never got along with them so I had to move out", said the playmaker, as he prepared to host his new talk show on CNN entitled Kaka Live, "The moment Pippo (Inzaghi) clobbered me round the ear with his walking stick I decided it was time for a change. I'm looking forward to interviewing Donald Trump and the fat guy from Cheers immensely."
38 year-old defender Alessandro Costacurta, couldn't contain his delight in regards to the transfer:
"Larry's going to be a real asset for us in years to come. The kid's got a lot of potential. We've seen how sprightly and fresh this young whippersnapper is in training and we're really excited about the energy he will bring to our squad."
However, Paolo Maldini, who made his debut in 15 B.C against a Julius Caesar XI, issued a word of caution:
"It's a bedding in process. We can't throw him into the cauldron of Serie A just yet or we'll shatter his confidence."
Indeed, 'shatter' seems to be the word of the day as King has already suffered niggling injuries, including a shattered pelvis, a shattered vertebrae and shattered glasses, and that's only from getting out of bed this morning. Plus, he is out for a month with Alzeimers; all this doesn't seem to worry a clearly confused King:
"I'm looking forward to throwing some pitches and getting some outs. I feel we've got a shot at the pennant this year. Let's play some baseball!"
Brazilian fullback Cafu has labelled King a 'panic buy', and stated that the reigning European champs would be better served bringing in someone with more experience 'like a corpse from the local graveyard'.
Left back Guiseppe Favalli clearly agrees:
"Fucking young people with their rap music and short skirts and their fucking vandalism. Fuck off!", vented Favalli, before our interview was cut short by a nurse who insisted that it was time for 'his nappy to be changed' and wheeled him away.
AC Milan have also confirmed that they will be moving to Florida as it was inconvenient for their players to commute from their nursing homes there all the way to Milan. They will play in a new 60 000 seater stadium named Jurassic Park.