Written by Tess Tickles
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Tuesday, 2 October 2007

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Henman v Hawking? Watch this space.

Tennis player Tim Henman, who only just announced his retirement last month, is set to make a comeback to the world of tennis by entering the wheelchair event at next year's Wimbledon, in what would surely rank as one of the sport's biggest shocks in recent memory.

Henman revealed his plans yesterday as press reporters from around the world were waiting for a real star to show up, stating that he wanted to retire with a Wimbledon title under his belt and felt he had 'not a cowboy's chance in hell against non-crippled opponents'.

"I feel I've got a shot against guys whose legs don't work properly. I really feel I can compete against the best wheelchair tennis has to offer. I'm aiming for the semi-finals and then...anything can happen."

Henman, who confirmed that he wasn't going to be using a wheelchair, was instantly installed as second favorite for the event, but SW19 referee Mr. P. Oshtwate wasn't sure if the former British number one would be allowed to enter:

"Obviously we want Henman to win Wimbledon, but this isn't exactly ideal. In order to enter the wheelchair competition you have to be disabled and although Henman has played like a cripple for much of his career, we're not sure he matches our criteria."

Henman insists that he's desperate for a Wimbledon crown and if that means breaking both his legs then 'so be it'.

Reigning Wimbledon wheelchair champion Stephen Hawking says Henman holds no fear for him:

"Henman? Haha. The dude's past it. I hope I get him in my section of the draw as it'll be easy pickings."

Henman doesn't shirk when told of Hawking's threats:

"Yeah? Ha, well if the dude beats me I'll take him up Henman hill then push him down at fifty miles an hour so he lands on his face. How's that for attitude? Tell Hawking to bring his robotic-voiced ass to Centre Court and we'll see who's the fucking genius then, that's if he's got the balls to show."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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